Learning To Communicate Underwater Above Ground; Part 2. Land Animals

It's amazing what one can find underneath a couch that hasn't been moved in years.
 I could have started my own variety store with what I found behind it's dusty, furry, green, back.

 I had everything I needed to set up a camp, with enough dog hair and paper clips to build my own mattress and box spring set, pencils for an adequate fire, and hair bands to use as weapons, should I be attacked at dawn.

 The many drawbacks with hiding behind the couch for years though, is there is very little room for cooking and bathing. I could no longer turn my underwear inside out.
I begin to miss important dietary needs such as homemade macaroni and cheese and Jamba Juice smoothies.
 I missed human murmurs and hacking sounds over meals. I missed the family mime and the shabby sign language.

I missed me in the world.

When a wonderful ball of shedding fur, was brought into my life one day, I began to observe, what at first, seemed to be random behavior, with a tilt of the head, a tap here and there, or a yawn.
 Could it be that she understood me?! Does a speech challenged, tick apartment,  really need to yawn every few minutes or was she trying to speak to me?! 

I already knew it was not exactly riveting front page news that the average canine could understand around 160 words of the human language, but did they really?
 It could be that dogs hear sounds with distinct patterns, such as I did, perhaps, even, sound patterns that match certain human behaviors. Like, "Go for a walk?!" could easily be heard as, "Listen to me talk!", or something as far fetched as, "What a big cock!" Ha!
 I knew between Dijon, the mustard colored, coyote, and I, it was all the same thing, until the leash was brought out.

What I learned from her, I begin to take out into the real world.
I begin to observe when people bit their lower lips when they knew they shouldn't say something or adjusted their pants when girls with silicone chests took their orders. I noticed that people scratched, picked, bit, caressed, poked, grabbed, fluttered, blushed, teared, gulped, and swooned, all to communicate without a voice.
I saw that weakness shuffled and arrogance went forth in strides.

 And,even without understanding words, like Dijon, I could recognize speech patterns, from a "rat-a-tat-tat" of a type A who had just been to Starbucks, to the,  " chirp, chirp, chirp" of a "Pollyanna".

 With all the obsessive behavior of "Monk" and the  irritation from of an episode of "Psych", I was ready to head out the door and lock it behind me..... or was I?

   


  

Learning To Communicate Underwater Above Ground; Part 1. Getting Wet.

The last time I visited a public outdoor swimming pool I could safely drink chlorine water, and looked good with green hair. My friends and I didn't worry about our" bushes" outgrowing our bikinis, or looking like an open-faced marmalade sandwich. We spent a good deal of out time taking turns to see who could hold their breathe underwater the longest or collect hidden treasures on the pool's bottom.
 When we grew tired of this we would snatch a boy up and try to convince him to "tongue" us underwater and then giggle, pull each other under again and tell secrets to one another in the special "Glug Glug" language of the deep. There was a certain fascination to watching words trapped in a bubble slowly move across in gentle, caressing, waves.

It was some time later, when every word spoke above water begin to have the same "Glug, Glug" sound and I began to mistake people for escaped tuna fish and lost mermaids on land. There was even one time I was sure hallucinogenics were secretly being slipped in my drinks or people were hiding magic frogs in their throats.
I started to show signs of hearing loss at ten, but this was different then the, " I can't hear you, so, I will stare out the window and dream I am married to Shaun Cassidy, while you think I am an incorrigible ADHD child."  No! This was more of, "The Little Mermaid goes on shore leave and heads to Vegas for the weekend."
I could hear people, but I could no longer understand them. They all begin to sound like Father Kelly when he forgot to bring his notes to the sermon and would stare at his feet the entire time, while every once in awhile looking up and chuckling. For all we knew he could have been talking about his long, toenails and callused heels. Everyone was pretty much long lost, big toed, Father Kelly now.
I, also, grew tired of trying to read body language that, at times, looked like someone in an interview in hopes to become a New York City traffic cop. I would probably pass out in Italy.
When I could no longer communicate with people I excused myself at functions with sudden lactose intolerance IBS bouts and eye contact induced asthma.  Before I knew it, I was a hypochondriac ....and very lonely.

The Top Ten things I Hate About Starting A New Website

1. Learning that a URL is not the name of  a new rock band or the medical term for nocturnal gas bouts.
2. Finding that I have accidentally uploaded a nude picture of me bathing the dog outside.
3. Googling Fred Flintstone  and finding he had a website before I did,
4 .Realizing I did not need to reveal that I had warts removed on me as a child in my "about me" section.
5. Trying for three hours to correct an error that a small child of six or a common houseplant could fix in six minutes.
6. Realizing that was not the error that needed to be fixed to begin with!
7. After holding in my thoughts for ten years, suddenly realizing I forgot what it was I wanted to say.
8. Realizing people don't give a "pig's grunt" as to what I have to say.
9. My mother is not around anymore to correct my spelling.
10. Trying to come up with a hundred more of these stupid  top ten lists, such as this.