Hollywood Grip of the Day

            Don't date Hollywood.                     

            Don't date an Hollywood actor.
                      Don't date an actor, period!

For two years I dated this lovely man, son of a Hollywood great, and one day he goes and blows his beautiful, fucking brains out on his couch with a shot gun. The time of death didn't match up from one account to another, so I'm guessing he laid there dying, cold and alone for over 24 hrs. No one wanted to add that part.  I first found out about the censored version of it while in the grocery store line one evening. 
His face was on the cover of a shitty National Enquirer newspaper of all things! The truly wonderful, giving, soul that he was and here he was shown little dignity or respect on the cover of a gossip and parody paper.
 That's showbiz for you folks.

        It's either Christ

                    
                       or drugs

in Hollywood..not that I can blame anyone... because every morning you wake up and look in the mirror you have have to remind yourself that you are NOT the fat, fucking, worthless, untalented, piece of shit that you think you are. 
If your parents were stars,

   
           it's even worse. My friend's parents were top of the line.

 So, the  endless reminder to him was that he would never measure up. 
It never went away. He struggled his whole life. Every day it was a question of why aren't you in better roles. Why aren't you your father? And why would he want to be? His father could be an awful shit at times, but, the public, of course, was never allowed to see that. 
Things went sharply downhill for my friend when his younger brother could no longer live with the strain and committed suicide. 
I missed that as well because I was off wallowing in my own self pity and struggling to somehow stand apart from the over powering shadow of my mother.

There are times I regret things so badly, that, I, too, have toyed with the idea of redecorating the couch and the wall behind it, but, I'm still here for now because either I am a coward or a fool. 

I've since moved away from Hollywood and the general L.A. area and perhaps that has helped distance me from more repercussion, 
but, silence itself can also let in it's own demons.
The boredom creeps in like the devil, presenting itself like a tonic but it turns out to be a vile toxin slowly killing me.
I find myself missing all the annoying street preachers, colorful tourists, bustling film crews, the endless theatre, traffic, and smog and must return to it like a haunting addiction that won't let go.

Hollywood will always be Hollywood. 
She stands alone overshadowing all of us.