Dijon, my love

I don't know if I can write tonight.

 My joy, my precious beauty of fifteen years is sick once again.
The cancer has haunted poor Dijon for almost four years now, returning again in the form of tumors and vile stomach sickness. She goes through long periods of great energy and appetite though, so the idea of dismissing her has been unthinkable.

The doctor is quite amazed that she is still around and puzzled that the medicinal mushrooms I have been giving her do seem to indeed work...at least for awhile.

It is midnight now and Dijon's heart seems to be giving out. She has had a murmur for some time and treated accordingly, but, with her age and cancer, there is little to be done at this time, except keep her pain free and surrounded with all the love she can get.

Hollywood Grip of the Day

            Don't date Hollywood.                     

            Don't date an Hollywood actor.
                      Don't date an actor, period!

For two years I dated this lovely man, son of a Hollywood great, and one day he goes and blows his beautiful, fucking brains out on his couch with a shot gun. The time of death didn't match up from one account to another, so I'm guessing he laid there dying, cold and alone for over 24 hrs. No one wanted to add that part.  I first found out about the censored version of it while in the grocery store line one evening. 
His face was on the cover of a shitty National Enquirer newspaper of all things! The truly wonderful, giving, soul that he was and here he was shown little dignity or respect on the cover of a gossip and parody paper.
 That's showbiz for you folks.

        It's either Christ

                    
                       or drugs

in Hollywood..not that I can blame anyone... because every morning you wake up and look in the mirror you have have to remind yourself that you are NOT the fat, fucking, worthless, untalented, piece of shit that you think you are. 
If your parents were stars,

   
           it's even worse. My friend's parents were top of the line.

 So, the  endless reminder to him was that he would never measure up. 
It never went away. He struggled his whole life. Every day it was a question of why aren't you in better roles. Why aren't you your father? And why would he want to be? His father could be an awful shit at times, but, the public, of course, was never allowed to see that. 
Things went sharply downhill for my friend when his younger brother could no longer live with the strain and committed suicide. 
I missed that as well because I was off wallowing in my own self pity and struggling to somehow stand apart from the over powering shadow of my mother.

There are times I regret things so badly, that, I, too, have toyed with the idea of redecorating the couch and the wall behind it, but, I'm still here for now because either I am a coward or a fool. 

I've since moved away from Hollywood and the general L.A. area and perhaps that has helped distance me from more repercussion, 
but, silence itself can also let in it's own demons.
The boredom creeps in like the devil, presenting itself like a tonic but it turns out to be a vile toxin slowly killing me.
I find myself missing all the annoying street preachers, colorful tourists, bustling film crews, the endless theatre, traffic, and smog and must return to it like a haunting addiction that won't let go.

Hollywood will always be Hollywood. 
She stands alone overshadowing all of us.

                

                     Artist of the Month
                      

                      
                    Mark Redfield!
                Dedicated  hard working  passionate

                This man knows Poe!
         
        But, that's not all he knows..

           Have a look at his gallery!

        

                   

                  
                   Happy customers!!

      More at:

 https://www.etsy.com/shop/markredfield?ref=l2-shopheader-name


Mark is also founder and publisher of the wonderful magazine 
         Poe Forevermore: Tales of Mystery and Imagination

   http://www.poeforevermore.com/news-11-18-14-redfield-studio-fire.html

                 

             
                                              
                       BLUE EYED BILL
     B MOVIE WONDER!    BUFF N BRAIN!

Every time I look at him my heart stops for a brief moment, then restarts again, charging like a racehorse in large "thumpity thumps" as, I am torn between the blue eyes and the chiseled body, he has worked so hard to achieve!

 He can be both devilishly frightening and soft as a lamb all in the same moment. The kind of man that could make me shiver and shake as his fingertips made their way down my spine to the small of my back. 
I only just discovered this mega talent recently, as I must admit I am not a fan of bloody gore or B movies, but, Bill Oberst Jr.  really may not belong in either. 
I am not here to give you a list of every B movie he has made in the last five years, but, he has certainly achieved a world's record of impressive creepy roles. His IMDB page looks like a monument of hard work with glittery star material just oozing out all over. 

I can't remember the last time I was so excited about an actor.
What is it about this man? Could it be incredible dedication, his warm and genuine heart of gold, His willingness to expose his raw and wounded side, or the "me" I see inside of him? 
 One thing for sure, from the very moment Bill opens his mouth, we all listen, so, It is no wonder he has impressed us all with his life changing videos,  on the "Film Courage"series, which not only helps the aspiring actor, but, the "dumbfounded" and "in love" aspiring writer, like me. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34vGGavvO2o

It is so refreshing to hear about an actor who is not all caught up in the Hollywood glitter and parties, and still loves his mama with all his heart.  He may be "the man about town" but, you will often find him in character and costume, challenging us to push just a little harder to achieve are own goals.

I had all but given up, the weeks before I met Bill. My life was at an all time low with my hearing reaching eighty five percent loss, and my age kicking me in the rear without as much as an apology note.  What am I going to do as an "over the hill"  sassy and stubborn, deaf woman?! Who does anything grand at fifty?!
 Well, Bill does ( He will be fifty this year--hard to believe!) ,  and he does it with wit, pride, and tremendous style!

He has encouraged me to not give up hope, as he has so many others.  With his words and actions we are all encouraged to reach deep inside and find what makes us all different and how we can offer that to the world!   

           

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3231390/
               

Here is the link to Bill's inspiring website which takes you on a tour of diabolical fun, and yummy bites of fear!  
                         
                       Enter if you dare!

          http://www.billoberst.com/anatomy-of-fear/

And more! Updated 2017 and 2018! New projects!!!
http://mydevotionalthoughts.net/2017/02/interview-with-actor-bill-oberst-jr.html

https://www.billoberst.com/tag/ray-bradbury/

http://horrornews.net/131099/bill-oberst-jr-portrays-ray-bradbury-new-off-broadway-production/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWK7yrHTVGs                 

                                   Anthony Webster
                

                British Import of the month!

This unique talent from the UK is diverse, passionate, edgy, fascinating, and humble with a plethora of projects going on!
It is no wonder he is in demand, as he is very dedicated to his craft! With his wit, charm, and pleasing features, he is a delight as both an actor and a teacher. 
 I can't wait for Anthony to come to the United States, show us his incredible style, then, of course, how to make the perfect cup of tea!
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm4478540/ http://www.castingcallpro.com/uk/actor/profile/anthony-webster

Anthony can also be seen here in these impressive parts:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgpWaY59ewg

Movie clip from The Apostate here! Great thiller from the UK!

http://www.calloftherevenant.com/ 

Anthony is also on Facebook and Twitter where you can see more!

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Anthony-Webster/393321570694473?fref=ts       

https://twitter.com/MaskArtist

Music videos!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4-vFDoFv-8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d084HYawgvo Tiffany Lunn video!

  Check out the wonderful, magical, world of Anthony Webster!

Ahhhhhh....an actor's life, to be anyone but oneself! Magic!
        I hope one day to meet all of the Anthony's!! 

                      Photographs and memories 

On my 21st birthday I had my first drink in a little bar in Portland, Oregon. 

I don't even recall what it was but it must have been mixed, as I knew right away I simply wasn't a beer person. 

Ahhhhhh, that's what it probably was, I remember now; It was a strawberry daiquiri! 

I loved strawberries and at that time this strange new person in my life would have done anything for me.

He barrelled down the highway, completely stoned,  taking me to little hideaways to make out, dark movie houses to reach for my boobs, and fast food joints to make my stomach purr.

He looked like a young George Harrison with his psychedelic shirts and a room full of colorful bong pipes. 

I just stared at him in fascination, never giving in. I took photographs and did heavy sighs. I was in love. Or so I thought. 

He was a virgin. I was naive. 

We wadded together for awhile in knee deep love.

He was afraid. I was dumbfounded. I didn't even know what an erect penis was supposed to look like. I had never seen anything in broad daylight before.

As my trust grew towards him, it didn't make sense anymore to not let my inhibitions down. I reached for his bong, wrapped my hands around it, and said, "Come on, baby, light my fire!" as I opened my mouth in an inappropriate way.

I sucked and held, sucked and held, but nothing happened. I thought there must be something I was doing wrong so I drew more and more in for a good hour or so, but, when I failed to see through rose-colored glasses or laugh at mundane things, I gave up.  
it wasn't until five hours later while watching an episode of the new generation of Star Trek, that I saw the walls undulate in wavy patterns. They begin to bend and wrap around me, encasing me in a bubble of terror!

  

          Part Two:   

          The starts of an abuse

How do these things start? An abuse that is? I suppose the word itself must be defined, but, in general we all have an idea of what it feels like to be trapped in a nightmare.

  I often wonder if there is a warning bell that goes off inside when we sense doors are going to close behind us and we are going to slowly be lowered into a pit of no return. Or do we find we simply wander and stumble from inexperience into what we think should be an new exciting adventure but it metamorphoses into a cleverly disguised mine field we must now step carefully through?

In my case, I was young and inexperienced. Although, I had sexual experience, a rape is never a relationship of equality, but simply a hideous incident in which cannot be taken back. A young mind is blackened like coal, the body tarnished forever. The only way to feel as if a cleansing, cool breeze had passed through me was to wipe the crusted slate clean with faith that I was forgiven.

But, I never did forgive myself completely, nor did anyone else, which made my heart wide open to become a battered football in the end 
zone.  

There was no place to hide and just think.

Did I do the right thing?
 

I experienced a tiny bit of Vietnam as I crept through the dense marsh land behind the house while being fired upon. 
I often found myself looking at the end of a barrel of a gun during a terrifying, forced, game of Russian roulette.

My very first real relationship was to quickly become a nightmare to end all nightmares I would never wake up from! 

I find I can no longer write as the terror is awakened in me at this very moment. Perhaps tomorrow will bring new strength....